Confidence, Grace, Beauty

WAS I wired this way?

Every morning when I wake up and drag myself out of my overly warm bed, I think The Lord created this day and I am lucky enough to be waking up to live it.

Let’s see what today has in store.

The other morning I was playing around of facebook and I came across a blog from my high school basketball coaches daughter. When I was playing basketball I saw her as this gorgeous basketball star. Who I thought was full confidence and grace in life and on the basketball court. She is now grown, married and has two beautiful children. But this blog she posted goes to show how everyone really feels on the inside, even though others see it very differently. Thanks Diana, you made me realize some things I wasn’t aware of about myself.

Since I was a little girl I have never been the most confident person, the prettiest, smartest, I even have quite a few blonde moments (even though imp a brunette). I wasn’t the sports star or the homecoming queen, but I did have my own little niche. I was raised in the country with a very loving family who pushed me to the limit and where I learned nothing but hard work. I raised many animals and even all through my life I showed animals and even decided I would judge and run for FFA president in high school. I spent most of my time in the Ag barn working on whatever project was most important at the time. But I also spent 40 + hours at work a week.

So where does my confidence lits ...obviously it doesn’t lie on the outside. It must lie deep, deep inside where I have to wake up and search for it each day. Don’t get me wrong I do feel like I have many accomplishments for my age. Yes, I do feel like, for a 21 year old girl who has already graduated with a certification that I wake up loving everyday, and a recent owner of my very own, adorable little house that will only become more AWESOME with time. I still don’t really know where my true confidence lies. I wake up some days feeling like the most beautiful girl in the world...but most days I think goodness how will I get through this day without worrying about some aspect of my life. Whether it is my family, my finances, jobs, my friends, my man- and all the things that come with him, I KNOW I will worry about something. Who, where, why does this problem exist? I guess I am figuring out each day that I am the problem. I worry too much, but im not sure how to stop it. My worrying affects my everyday life.
I have major trust issues to due many things in the past and I can turn one little thing into something that I can be upset about for days. This is one of my biggest flaws and I wish for anything that I can change it. My not trusting people really puts a damper on many things. I am bad to look for faults in others that someone else once got me with. I try everyday to over come this horrible habit. But im tired of being hurt the same way each time. I know im not perfect but I do wake up everyday being as true to others as a I am to my ownself because I want the same treatment from others.

I am always trying to make people happy, or do things for them, or just make them more important in my life than I actually make myself. Where does this get me, no where? But once again its part of my nature, the routine of my everyday life. I just want to be important, and yes I know I am important to many people, but this is on a different level...gashhh listen to me whining. I didn’t get any sleep last night due to a new crating process im trying with my two year old miniature pinscher. IM SLEEPY and i need a nap.

BUT, really this is all something that has just been on my mind and I guess the only real way to fix it is pray about it. So if you cant find me today, tomorrow, or the next year well im trying to figure it out and pray that all my choices ive made here lately are for my best interest and its really as important to the other person as it is to me. 


Maybe one day ill find my confidence, grace, beauty for me. Not for anyone else.